Last night I came home from Tacoma alone, without my family. Drew and Jaxon were staying down at his parent's house. I came home to an empty house and got ready for bed. I was looking forward to a solid night of sleep, as it has been a rough couple of weeks with Jaxon's 6 teeth coming in. It was a strange feeling heading to bed without my husband and without the prospect of getting up in the middle of the night to comfort my son. I went to bed, thinking because I was so tired, that I would not wake up the whole night. Well I was wrong. My body has become programmed to feed again at 11 and 3 or 4. It is amazing how our bodies work. Jaxon had been sleeping through the night for a couple of months and my body stopped making milk in the middle of the night. After just 2-3 weeks of Jaxon nursing again to ease his teething pain my body is apparently up and running. I woke up ready to feed a baby but ended up just going back to sleep both times. The funny thing is that Drew said Jax woke up at around 11 and 3 last night.
When I finally got up in the morning I went about my normal routine, however, something felt different. Something was missing. I missed my baby. I had a strong yearning to see him but I knew that wouldn't happen until I got off of work later in the afternoon. So I sat down to pump the enormous amount of milk from the missed nighttime feedings and read some of my fellow bloggers blogs entries. I went to my online buddy Kristen's blog, as she is an excellent writer who I have much in common with as a parent. I love reading about her son Nate and comparing him to Jaxon (they also have a lot in common).
Today as I read her blog I began to sob. She was talking about mothers who had lost their babies recently and how that made her reflect on her life with Nate. She included two links to the blogs of these mothers and their babies. I could only make it through Madeline's story. I never made it to the other baby as I was crying too hard.
Her blog topic was amazingly topical for my life this morning, as I had been appreciating the life I have with Drew and Jaxon being home alone without them. I missed my guys. I utterly and completely love my husband and my son. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to either one of them. As nice as it was to sleep like I was a single girl, I wouldn't give up my life as a wife and mother for anything. Even in those frustrating moments where you are utterly sleep deprived and feel completely helpless to comfort your baby who is cutting 6 teeth at once, there is something so sweet about being the one your baby needs and wants. I love cuddling him and calming him down. I love holding him while he sleeps. He is so sweet and he will only be this small for such a short time. Plus I know how badly we wanted him. I know that there are women out there who cannot have children but want to so badly or those who were fortunate enough to have a baby but tragically lost them. I know I am blessed. I try to keep it fresh in my mind when things are hard and I am tired.
Now they are home with me. Jaxon is asleep for the night and has already awoken in pain twice. Both times we rushed in to comfort him. I know that Drew feels the way I do because he would do anything for his son. Like I said I am fortunate in so many ways. And tonight when he wakes up I will be the one who gets to go in and make his world feel right again while he goes through these major mental and physical changes. I love being a mommy.
Thanks Kristen for the clarity and reflection.
No comments:
Post a Comment